Red
a short story
by Dallas Woodburn
Grace knocked the nail polish off her bedside
table and onto the carpet and that was The End. She crouched
there, as if paralyzed, watching the Maybelline "Vixen Red" soak
into the white Burbur, the teardrop-shaped stain slowly growing
bigger and bigger, like blood seeping into a Band-Aid.
Grace sat there, rocking on her heels, watching
and waiting. Waiting and watching. For what, she didn't exactly
know. When the teardrop stopped growing, she got up and went to
the kitchen to get some paper towels.
* * *
The rain spattered softly against the car
windows. Grace watched the windshield wipers dance, back and
forth, forth and back, like her piano teacher's metronome. She
sat with her knees hugged up against her chin, trying to
minimize the contact of her skin with the cold vinyl. "Mom," she
said. "It's raining cats and frogs."
"You mean cats and dogs," her mother
corrected, never taking her eyes off the road.
It was still raining "cats and frogs" when they
arrived at the park. Grace stared out the car window and
imagined they were inside a giant aquarium, except filled with
birds instead of fish.
Her mother turned around and smiled at Grace in
the backseat. "What a perfect day," she said, "to fly a kite!"
Grace could tell she wasn't joking. Her mother never joked about
important matters.
Part of Grace wanted to stay in the car, but the
other part of her won out. She pulled the strings on her
sweatshirt hood so tight her face was scrunched and there was
only a keyhole of an opening where the rain could get in. Then
she tied the strings in a bow - double-knotted, the way Grampa
had taught her so it wouldn't come undone.
Grace tightly held her mother's hand as they
trudged together up the rain-slickened hill that overlooked the
playground. Grace had never been to the park in the rain. It was
deserted. Like a magic kingdom that belonged only to Grace and
her mother. Just the two of them, and of course some fish
disguised as birds. "We've always got each other, Hon," her mom
said whenever Grace asked about her daddy. "Us girls gotta stick
together. Just you and me, that's all we need."
That's all we need. Just you and me.
Grace squeezed her mother's hand.
They were at the top of the hill now, and Grace
peeked out her keyhole through the drizzle at the slide and the
swingset, then at the picnic tables and the scattered trees, and
finally at their blue Volvo parked alongside the curb. Her
mother stood a few feet away, face turned skyward, eyes
squinting against the driving BBs of water, hair streaming long
and wet down her back. Grace's clothes had grown heavy and
cumbersome. All the tiny raindrops had banded together. It
reminded Grace of one of her Grampa's favorite sayings. "Take
little steps, baby steps," he told Grace whenever she was on the
brink of giving up. "Baby steps have a way of adding up to a lot
of big steps."
"So do raindrops," Grace thought now, wriggling
inside her soggy Hello Kitty sweatshirt. "Little raindrops have
a way of adding up to big buckets." She wanted to take her
sweatshirt off but couldn't get Grampa's double-knotted bow
undone. Water ran off the tip of her nose and she stuck out her
tongue and caught a drop. She was surprised at how warm it
tasted.
Grace's mother held the kite with hopeful
outstretched hands. She peered up into the leaden sky as if
challenging it, or maybe begging. The kite was small and
diamond-shaped and painted with rainbows, which Grace's mother
said was "highly ironic." Grace smiled appreciatively even
though she didn't know what "ironic" meant. She knew this
though: she loved kites and she loved rainbows. And, above all,
she loved her mother.
The kite had a hard time getting airborne. "Mom,
maybe we should go," Grace said, holding the end of the kite
string and shivering slightly, but her mother didn't hear.
Grace's mother continued to squint into the drizzle, determined
and desperate, holding the kite above her head, quietly
beseeching the wind to take the tiny rainbow in its arms and
raise it high. Grace knew you shouldn't fly kites in the rain.
Her mother knew this too, and yet there she stood, trying
anyway. Just you and me, Hon. Years later, this was what
Grace most vividly remembered when she thought of her mother:
eyes squinted toward the heavens, a double-knot bow that just
wouldn't come undone, and a tiny rainbow struggling against the
rain to fly.
* * *
The chemotherapy started the very next week.
The second time, Grace went with her mother into
The Little White Room with the
hospital smell and space-age machinery. It
reminded Grace of the aliens she had seen once, when her Uncle
Bill let her stay up late and watch a movie with The Big Kids.
Grace was scared of The Little White Room but she went in
anyway. She sat beside the bed and watched the medicine drip.
. . drip.. . drip out of the IV bag, down a clear tube, and
into her mother's arm, slowly trickling inside her, becoming a
part of her, like blood or bone.
Drip. . . drip .. . drip....
It reminded Grace of rain dripping off the leaves of the
eucalyptus trees at the park, the day she and her mother flew
the rainbow kite. Grace remembered the way her mother shrieked
with excitement when the wind finally swept the kite up into its
arms. Grace's heart leapt with the thrill of the kite tugging on
the string. She forgot about her soggy sweatshirt and stubborn
double-knot bow. She and her mother stood side-by-side, just
you and me, Hon, watching the rainbow dance in the gray
misty rain.
"Hey Mom," Grace said now, eyes still transfixed
on the IV bag. "It's like the rain."
"That's nice, Honey." But Grace could tell her
mother wasn't really listening. She didn't watch the drip. .
. drip. .. drip. Instead, she looked at Grace and asked her
questions about kindergarten and play-dates and Grandma and
Grampa. She sounded tired.
As the treatments continued, Grace sometimes
brought along pictures she drew in art class. This always made
her mother smile, except for the picture of the rainbow kite and
the rain. That one made her mother cry.
One day when Grace came to The Little White Room
she brought a bottle of her mother's nail polish and they
painted each other's toenails. Grace was careful as could be,
but she still got polish on the skin around her mother's nails.
She wasn't very good at "coloring inside the lines," but her
mother said that was okay. The nail polish was red; deep red;
"Vixen Red." It was her mother's favorite color. She said it
made her feel alive. After all, you couldn't be dying if you had
bright red toenails. It just didn't fit the picture.
Grace believed her. We've always got each
other, Hon. Just you and me. She coated her mother's
toenails with thick layers of red, as if somehow chip-free nails
could create miracles.
And then her mother died, and Grace's eyes were
Vixen Red for weeks, and she didn't
believe in miracles anymore.
* * *
Grace kept the $3.49 bottle of Vixen Red polish
hi her bureau drawer buried underneath her underwear, where
nobody would find it. She kept some of her mother's other things
- a lock of auburn hair, a lavender silk scarf, a book of Walt
Whitman poems - in the drawer of her bedside table. But the nail
polish was Grace's secret treasure. Sometimes she would slip it
out and painstakingly paint a single fingernail red with the
same tiny brush that had traced her mother's nails nearly a
decade ago. Now she stayed "inside the lines," carefully
painting only one coat, using as little polish as possible,
because this was a magical red, her mother's red, and she
couldn't go out and buy more when she ran out. She doubted they
even made Vixen Red anymore.
Grace would sit there on her bedroom floor,
sneaking glances at the splash of vibrant color alive against
the white of her skin, stroking the single red nail with her
thumb, strangely comforted yet upset with herself at the same
time.
Now. Grace watched the pool of Vixen Red soak
through the layers of paper towels. The tiny bottle, nearly
empty, was propped upright on the bedside table.
She looked out the window. It was raining "cats
and frogs." Tears spilled from her eyes and drip. . . drip. .
. dripped down her cheeks, but Grace felt a smile cracking
open her face. She crawled across the floor and rummaged around
in the back of her closet.
Grace sat there for a moment, looking at it,
running her hand across the light plastic surface. With Vixen
Red-stained fingers, she carefully wiped off a thin film of
dust. Baby steps, she thought, taking a deep breath.
Baby steps.
She slipped out the front door and into the rain,
hugging the faded rainbow tightly to her chest. Baby steps.
Baby steps. Grace opened her mouth wide and caught a water
droplet on her tongue.
"What a perfect day," she thought, smiling as she
squinted into the falling raindrops, "to fly a kite."